While sitting in my small group Bible study last week, the conversation turned to resentment. I happen to have a book in the works on this topic (to be published within the next few months), so I thought I would write a bit on the subject here.
All of us have experienced resentment at some point in our lives and it is startling to know how ill-equipped we are for dealing with resentments in a healthy manner. I don’t believe my parents ever taught me what resentments are or, if they did, they definately didn’t teach me how to handle them. When I think of resentments, I picture heavy chains holding you in place on the cold concrete floor of a jail cell. There is no freedom from that bondage for one who is filled with resentments.
Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings…
What, exactly, is a resentment? It’s an emotion that you feel over and over again, because you won’t let it go, you won’t forgive. It’s a “re-sentiment.” A physical wound hurts less and less as it heals. An emotional wound will do the same, if you let it! When you constantly pick at a physical wound, it won’t heal and continues to be painful. An emotional wound will do the same, if you let it!
One of the basic ideas in the book is how holding even one resentment can weaken our effectiveness as leaders - or followers, depending on the circle in which we’re interacting.
Remember, that the harm done by fussing at a wound is always for the wounded, not the other party. It is the person holding the resentment who suffers.
It has been my experience and I am sure you will agree with me, that once I feel resentment towards someone else for a percieved wrong, whether it be real or imagined, I stop seeing the true value of that person.
Each person brings value and richness to his or her own sphere of influence, and to the world as a whole. If I resent something that you have said or done, it clouds my vision; I cannot see your value. Such resentment diminishes my capacity to be a leader whom you would want to follow and, if you are in a position of leadership over me, it severely limits my ability to follow you or even buy into the direction you’re leading.
If I have a resentment towards one of my co-workers, or business partners, or team mates, or neighbors, or friends, or spouse, or landlord, or parents, or kids… it causes me to disengage from a win-win partnership and instead promotes a win-first attitude. This attitude may cause me to be antagonistic, or want me to be a backstabber or grumbler. I spoke of these traits two weeks ago in a a post entitled Successful Leaders Don’t…. Not one of these traits encourage a synergistic or win-win environment, which has to be built on trust and team focus. Any resentment causes me to seek my interest first and others’ interests second. The result is that the team suffers and relationships deteriorate.
No matter whether you want them or not, resentments are a part of life. Just like death and taxes! Understanding the harm resentments cause is the first step to getting rid of them. More on the second step next week…
As always I welcome your comments and feedback.
Tags: Forgiveness, Resentments
Nice article, and so great to read on a subject I acutally am not prone to struggle with. I am blessed with a mother who patterened constant forgiveness and love to my alcoholic dad and absolutely forbid us to go to bed angry at our siblings. As I have approached this subject several times over the years in attempts to always have a clean slate in my personal inventory, I have discovered it can actually become a habit if you have a good teacher. I am very thankful to my mom, and have seen this behaviour duplicated in my sons as they continually rescue and forgive their women! That I resent, oh…better read the article again. Thanks Kevin.
[...] the harm resentments cause is the first step to getting rid of them. Last week’s post Resentment vs. Freedom discussed just what resentments are. Today we’re going to look at the distance you have to go [...]